My pastor spoke about bitterness today. God seems to always know what I need to hear. I hadn’t realized that was what I was feeling, but this past week I felt awful. Nothing seemed to be right. I felt sad, hurt, and even angry at times. I couldn’t figure it out. I started thinking about all the pain that I have felt over the past two years and just how unfair it is. I realize now that was the place where bitterness started seeping in. My heart was shattered in 2019 when my marriage of 20 years ended. I never expected in a million years for that to happen. Then after that one of my worst fears almost came true. I didn’t understand how a loving God could allow all this to happen. I had been able to overcome that initial pain by relying on God’s strength to see me through the hardest parts of healing. It has been almost 18 months, I am in such a better place.
However, just like with any grief it is an ongoing process. The past week had me back in the bitterness and anger stage. That is why when my pastor said this phrase:
It is impossible to take hold of what God has for you when you are still holding on to what God has taken from you. Sometimes you have to let that dream die, so you can grieve, heal and move forward to what God has next. ~ Matt Smith
I realized that I had not let go as I thought I had. Then came the realization that this was because, in the back of my head, I had that hope that maybe, just maybe, a miracle would happen. However, if I look at all the events that transpired, I know that truly isn’t possible, and the only way for me to heal is: to completely let go. To do that, I need to allow God’s grace to feel the hole in my heart and let me focus on the future that God has for me. God has a new plan for me, full of joy, love, and happiness. You see, joy comes from God, not from situations. He loves us enough to pick us up out of the darkest hole and clean us up and help us get on the road to the future he has for us. We have to give him the pieces of our heart and trust Him. It is an intentional thing you have to commit to each step. Admit the bitterness, envy, anger, whatever emotion you feel, humble yourself and ask for forgiveness and healing, seek God and walk step by step with him into a new future. Hebrews 12:15, NIV: “See to it that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. “James 4:6 NIV “But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: “God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.”